The Third Field™ · Couples Map
For Hana and Luis
This Map brings together words you each chose to share. The readings and questions are offered for you to consider: you can recognize a part, correct a part, or leave a part aside.
The Prevailing Climate and voices for the plants
Two Saturdays ago you walked the botanic gardens for an hour, Theo asleep in the carrier, talking about nothing. Luis did voices for the plants, and Hana laughed so much she had to sit down on a bench.
What each of you counts as doing well together is a hard time you got through. For Hana, it was the night Theo had croup, when neither of you had to say a word and Luis had the shower running hot before she had found the thermometer. For Luis, it is making each other laugh when it is bad: at the worst of the move, the truck two days late and a mattress on the floor, you still had a good time.
A missed train and a burst pipe
At Marco's birthday party in Logan Square. I'd met Luis twice before. He walked me to the train and then missed his own train back so he could keep talking. I think that was it. He says it was later.
Hana
Honestly I'd say later than Hana would. There was a night about two months in when her pipes burst and she called me before she called the landlord. That was when I thought, OK, this is us.
Luis
The Canopy, talking it through and going blank
When it gets hard, Hana keeps going, wanting to talk it through until it is done and she can stop thinking about it; Luis goes blank, goes quiet, and needs to go away and think. He wrote that from outside it probably looks as if he does not care, the opposite of what is going on.
Keeping going, going quiet, and the walk
Your answers could describe one movement: when Luis goes quiet, Hana keeps going, and when Hana keeps going, Luis goes quiet. To Hana the quiet can feel like a shut door, though she knows it is not always that; Luis describes static, and not finding the words. To Luis the keeping going means she wants an answer right now, before he has one; Hana describes wanting to get to the end of it.
Is that how it goes between you, and when does it not?
To come back, Hana asks for words first; she says a hug is fine afterwards. Luis asks for time, an hour, maybe less, and would rather be the one who comes back to it.
Both of you named the same time it went better: after the daycare argument, you took Theo out in the stroller and talked while you walked; Hana found it easier side by side, Luis that moving helped.
What was different that time: walking, being side by side, having Theo with you, or the time it gave you? Which part could you repeat on an ordinary evening?
The Tillage and what gets done on a Sunday
On Sundays Hana cooks extra and puts Luis's lunches for his long studio days at the back of the fridge, as a way of saying she knows those days are long for him too. On Sunday nights, once Theo is down, Luis does the budget, as his way of saying that money is handled. Both happen on Sunday and neither is easy to see: the lunches go where they do not look like a thing, and Luis writes that Hana sees the totals but not the two hours.
Would either of you want the other to see it, or is it right as it is?
The Uncleared Ground and bedtime
Hana would hand on the weeknight bedtime routine: on the nights she is home she does bath and books, and by then she is running on nothing. Luis would take bedtime every night; he likes it, and it is the only time Theo sits still. Luis wrote that bedtime became his over the winter, without anyone saying so. Each would also keep something: Hana, the calendar, because she likes knowing; Luis, the cooking, which is how he unwinds.
Which nights are these, and which parts: the bath, the books, the rest? If one of you took on those nights, what would change for each of you?
The Fallow, how the day was and a night out
Hana would welcome being asked how her day was before she is handed something, even if the answer is boring. Luis would welcome time for just the two of you, not in the evening when you are both wrecked: a proper night out, even once a month.
Before either becomes a plan: what would it give the one who wants it?
A small party instead of chores, and never once a dentist
Luis does the Sunday reset without being asked, and he puts music on so it feels like a small party instead of chores. I've never actually said thank you for that. Thank you.
From Hana, to Luis
Hana keeps our whole life in her head. Every appointment, every form, Theo's shots, my mum's birthday. I have never once had to remember a dentist. Thank you, really.
From Luis, to Hana
No relay race, no baton
Hana hopes for evenings that do not feel like a relay race, Luis for evenings on the same team instead of handing Theo across like a baton. Both of you reached for the same picture of a handover.
- When
- An evening that starts to go the way you described, if it does. Either of you can call it.
- What you do
- Whoever calls it asks for a pause, with a few words and a time to come back to it, at the table or on a walk. Who comes back to it: complete together.
- Who decides
- The two of you decide whether to try it. Trying it does not mean accepting this Map's reading, and either of you can change or end it at any time.
- Exceptions
- complete together: evenings when a pause would not fit
- Looking back
- complete together: when to look at it again. Did you come back to it when you said you would, and did each of you get what you asked for first? Keep it, change it, or drop it?